The Weight of Unmet Expectations
Feb 17th 2023
Hey Party People,
It’s been A MINUTE since I dropped a blog post and I’ve missed you! What do you think, should we fire this back up in 2023?! Drop me a note if you’re down.
Today we’re gonna talk about some cool stuff! I’ve been having conversations in my DM’s lately about loneliness vs being alone (yeah that’s how cool I am, I talk about loneliness in my DM’s) and how to navigate our expectations of others. It started as a conversation about being single and why there’s a strong belief that it’s hard, or that it’s lonely. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve been single for majority of the past decade and there are 1000% hard days! But so many of the hard feelings can be felt when we’re in a relationship as well.
You can still feel lonely IN a relationship, just the same as you can feel loved and supported being single. These are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I actually think it hurts more when those lonely feels pop up when I’m IN a relationship. Because I expect my partner to be there for me.
I EXPECT… this is where expectations start to come in. Expectation without explanation is a dangerous thing. We expect others, especially our partners, but also our friends or our family at times, to know what we need and to know how to support us. And when they don’t do what we expect them to we feel worst than we did before. Anyone else been in this situation before?
The disconnect is a lack of explanation, on our part. Yes, on OUR PART. We expect without explaining what we need. Let me give you a couple examples.
Previously in one of my relationships I was going through a challenging time with a friend and my man at the time knew it, yet he wasn’t being supportive. I explained that I needed (or more accurately wanted) him to help me through this. So he asked me, “what can I do to support you? What do you need from me?”
Shit… I didn’t know.
I was so committed to pleading to my case and getting him to admit that he wasn’t showing up that I didn’t even know what I really wanted from him. The tables were turned back to me.
Another situation occurred in a past friendship where neither of us communicated our expectations for the other clearly which drove a wedge between us. But it was a silent wedge. We didn’t fight or argue, we were just slowly drifted apart from one another (at least that’s how I felt). And then the pandemic hit, and her wedding got cancelled 3 weeks out. Talk about devastating!! I didn’t know how to be there for her while also dealing with my own fear and uncertainty going on in the world. I think due to the distance created, we didn't know how to communicate our needs. It was the catalyst for deep conversations that led to the end of an almost 10-year friendship.
What we need from a partner is similar to what we need from our friends yet our expectations and how we communicate them differ drastically. Or maybe they don’t and in either relationship there is a failed attempt to share openly and honestly to get what we need.
Ok so what are expectations, really?
Expectation is defined in the following ways:
a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
a belief that someone will or should achieve something.
There are so many specific words worth noting here!
First expectations are a BELIEF that we hold. An internal thought our mind is attached to that we created.
Something WILL happen suggestsa level of certainty about the outcome or action someone will take.
And then, someone WILL OR SHOULD do something writes a story around what will happen in the FUTURE by someone other than ourselves, something we have no control over.
All of this occurs within us (most of the time) without the participation of the other person. And this is where things fall apart.
Where do you go from here?
I’m going to leave you with a bit of a cliffhanger here because in my new program THRIVE we will be diving into expectations in a BIG way.
What is THRIVE?
· 10 awesome Modules to dive into at your own pace
· Zoom chats every other Thursday 7pm MST (4 total)
· WhatsApp Group Chat for more sharing and bonding
· And a secret BONUS!!
Start Date: Dependant on #'s and registrations but it will be early March :)
Other topics we’ll discuss:
Identify formation and our values
Dating apps and conscious swiping
External validation and people pleasing
Relationship (and friendship) fails
Relationship (and friendship) patterns and what they tell you
Finding more purpose
And so much more!
I invite you to learn to Live and Love Being You. Registration link below.