Hey Party People,
I wrote a different post for this week about being in service to others but I’m going to hold onto that one. I find it's often easier for people to be there for others and it's harder to be the one actually asking for help. So, this week we’re going to talk about just that.
I am someone who wears my crown as Queen of Independence proudly, and I will defend it fiercely. I have constantly held on to the belief that I don’t need anyone. This probably comes through in some of my posts and my words encouraging you to put yourself first, or that Selfish isn’t a Dirty Word. I still believe this wholeheartedly because if we don’t believe in ourselves and our worth, I don’t believe others will either.
With that said, we are all human and we are meant to live in community. Why do you think solitary confinement is used as torture? We can’t live in isolation; we’re not meant to. What I think happens though is that we get so used to taking care of others and asking what they need, how we can support them. Then when you flip it around, or someone asks how you are, you answer with the ongoing mantra, “oh me? I’m fine.” We are allowed to ask for and accept help too. When we don’t, we are acting as a detriment to ourselves. Can we work on that together?
Easier said than done. I know. In complete transparency, I’m probably one person who asks for help the least and in some ways, I think it's because I don’t know how. I’ve tied a big portion of my identity to being fiercely independent, and I cringe at the thought of counting on someone else financially, morally, or for my happiness. What I’m still trying to figure out is how to create space and openness for others to help me. I’m terrified as hell to grow dependant on someone else but what if I could find the courage to let others in. We’re not talking to the point where I grow dependant on others, but simply allow them enough space to help me grow, to dream bigger, and to love deeper. What would that look like? What would that feel like? I don’t know because I haven’t found my courage to allow this in my life, have you? If so, teach me your ways!!
When I reflect more on the reasons, I don’t ask for help, I realize I’m not just gripping tightly to my crown of independence. In times where I have asked for help, I often feel like I don’t receive the support I’m looking for. This, therefore, reinforces my belief that asking for help, isn’t helpful. It tells me I should carry on solo because others aren’t helpful anyway. But let’s go deeper…
Someone once challenged me on this topic when I asked them for more support with a struggle I was having with a friend. I said I needed their advice, for them to listen and to be there for me. They came back at me and agreed to support me but asked, “what do you need from me?” At that, I kinda drew a blank. I honestly didn’t know, or at least know how to articulate it. I just wanted more support, wasn’t that clear enough? Apparently not, and it's true. People can’t read our hearts and minds. We must get a clear understanding ourselves of what we are looking for in others. Whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, advice, or an uncensored rant session. People want to be there for you, but they might not know what you need. So even when they do show up, we won’t view it as helpful, but it's because we don’t know what we needed in the first place. And if you don’t know what you need (like me at the time), that’s ok too. We are all a work in progress, as long as we keep asking the questions and seeking new answers we will always be growing.
One final reason I shy away from asking for help is that I feel I have a responsibility to be strong for others. Now I know this resonates with many of you. Like many of you, I will always find a way to be there for others. I will stretch myself over and over, further and further, so others don’t have to carry the weight (I had a pretty good teacher, so I come by this behaviour naturally). But I’m learning, albeit slowly, that it's ok to ask for help and to need others in my corner, and I want to remind you that it's ok for you too.
This is important because people rely on you and turn to you. For me, I am the shining star, the smiling face and the bringer of positivity. I am all those things and more, but what happens when I don’t have the energy for it? What happens when I need a shining star and words of encouragement. I get tired too, and I need my party people to lift me up. But they can only be there to pull me out of the mud if I extend my hand.
This is your reminder that is it not weak to ask for help, but a necessity. It’s also ok to hold tightly to that independent identity you hold fierce, you won’t lose that by inviting others in. In fact, I hear we become even stronger. And if you need someone in your corner, I am here for you. Right now, my light is shining bright and shining fierce, I got you. And one day I might need you too. It's not a coincidence when life comes full circle. We are all connected whether we believe it or not.
Ok here is your Party Jam of the week! A Little Madonna.
Living for Love – Madonna (Spotify)
Living for Love – Madonna (YouTube)
P.S. Did you miss last week's inspo – it was my Blogaversay! I celebrated my one-year milestone, share some throwback posts, and recognize that baby steps get us to big moves!
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